Last night, I somehow gathered the confidence to follow my urge to enjoy the last days of this summer.
I guess a big part of it is that in those moments, I just feel beautiful and amazing, and I found the perfect clothes that reflected exactly who I am in the mirror.
It’s taken forever to even have and recognize these moments like this <3
The week before, I saw a few people chilling on a section of a bridge that’s only accessible by hopping over the railing – the perfect spot to be sort of out in public, but also feel safe.
The weather was just right, so I could still go out in my favorite shirt. With my favorite bra underneath, the image in the mirror matched exactly how I felt in that moment:
- A tight blue short-sleeved shirt with cute little white polka dots – like stars sparkling on me
- black wide-leg pants, high-waisted, which raise my waistline a bit, making me look slightly taller and, conveniently, a bit slimmer
- and an A-B cup that’s just noticeable enough, giving me the shape I’ve fallen in love with over time
A quick look in the mirror, grabbed a cold beer, and suddenly I was on the bridge. Before jumping over the railing, I hesitated for a second, but then I remembered how I used to do stuff like this all the time without even thinking… (interesting how that works).
And then I sat there. Music in my ears, eyes on the sunset. Just me, safe from the world.
It must have taken about 30 minutes before I could relax and take a breath
I must have sat there from around 10 to 12… long enough that it got dark, and I almost fell asleep in between So.. it only took a few hours for me to simply be myself
…until, around midnight, someone suddenly appeared at the railing, and I immediately switched into intruder-alert mode – but somehow, mentally, I was exactly how I know and like myself to be that evening: no panic, just waking up a bit and calmly observing the situation. In the end, I do like people, after all.
…and then this person climbs down and shuffles over to me,
huh? What are you?
Turns out, I was lying in the hallway of a homeless person’s sleeping spot, who uses the hollow spaces of the bridge for shelter.
After we both assured each other that neither of us was a threat, we started chatting.
His first question was, Why here, of all places, if you must have a safe home?
…Of course; safety is always a feeling, subjective and relative.
What still sticks with me today is that I’ve never met anyone who spoke in such a gender-neutral way as he did. For him, most people were just a neutral
Männeken.
Or he used both the masculine and feminine forms…
… but he also kept mentioning that he had poor eyesight, which makes me wonder what his first impression of me was. Because when he saw me, I was lying on my back on the ground, with my shirt pulled up and headphones over my ears..
Without us even introducing ourselves, we quickly got into some deep topics like how much influence others should have over a child’s worldview; schools, teachers.
I think he wanted a bit more control over his child’s worldview than I thought was appropriate, but it all still felt within a range where we could have a proper conversation…
But at some point, he abruptly wanted to go to sleep, and I can’t help but wonder if there was a reason for it…
This was the first time I felt this safe in public while wearing semi-fem stuff and having a femme silhouette.
Ant this was also the first time my fem-self felt slightly rejected buy a nice guy XD
and this is how I somehow managed to still squeeze in a short summer adventure before winter comes <3
